Life Through The Eyes of Stacy

To Bailey and Tessa, forever. It is the pain not the love that got me to this place. A place where I can look upon the ruins of life and choose either to give into a fall into the darkness or to fight gravity to find strength to overcome. I choose you. You are my reason to breathe through the thick air that is doubt. You are the way out of darkness and the future when all I can see is an end. I choose to see you grow and to watch your beautiful hearts continue to give such selfless love that pride grows in me like a flower blooming. Rather than succumb to the pain that shoots through my own heart, and the lull of a promised sleep, I choose to be here with you. Its easy to give up. So simple to close my eyes to the pain and to the doubt... Yet to dig down deep  into myself and to take a deep breath no matter how much it stings~ To pull up and out all this pain and push it onto the page instead of letting it comfort me to sleep~~ That is hard. Yet l...

I am not giving into your touch... No, not this time. I'm not going to let my skin melt under your fingers or your words breathe hope into these ears. I refuse to let go to your love this time. You can't make me want you. No matter how softly you kiss my mouth or how hard your lips try to part mine... I am not letting you in. I am not going to be waiting this time for you to sneak up and take hold of my heart as you look so lovingly and longingly into my eyes. I am not listening to your words and you cannot make me lose myself like before by telling me how much you love me, how beautiful you think I am. ...How lucky you are to be my man. I am holding fast to everything inside and forcing myself to push no matter how much I want to pull you into me. I am not giving in. Don't bother running your fingertips up my back or kissing the back of my neck. I am not melting this time as you breathe words of "I love you" into my ears and get you...

If I could go back to that night and that bar I think I would have never met you. Left you sitting there~ that silly grin and that awful karaoke music and go back home to safety. But I'd never have met my two babies or known this love for them. Yet this anger, this hate and all this bitterness I feel towards you-- Sometimes it holds me still and consumes everything in me that dares breathe hope. You are my past, thank God, and, I pray, the man that our kids will be able to lean  on someday soon. For now I ask, how do I keep this disdain out of the very words I speak and out of the corner of my lip where it turns to a sneer? When will that awful taste go from my mouth as I speak your name? You are not the man I fell for that night but the memories of that man I gave 16 years to are finally coming clear. Your anger, your meanness and your abuse  are part of my past... Forever in yesterday but only because I need them to remind me of what love...